Split Screen Sadness
by Ruby Casablanca
Summary: Because sometimes the things we want the most are the things that break us. Because sometimes happy endings don't exist. Because sometimes it is better to numb the pain and just forget. *S5 Finale spoilers. Not related to the John Mayer song at all.*


**A/N: MAJOR SPOILER ALERT, SO STOP READING NOW IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE SEASON 5 FINALE.**

So, yeah, I decided to go for some Ahsoka/Anakin feels. Just saying, I called Bariss as the villain from the very beginning of this arc; I just knew it had to be her! But, I did not see the end coming and I sincerely hope that this isn't the end for Ahsoka because outside of Satine and Anakin, she is my favorite character and I think there is so much more for her to say!

But anyway, SilyaBeeodess has a poll up on whether or not she should write a story about Ahsoka's life after her leaving. I think she should; she's a great writer, and if you read her fic about the season finale, I am sure you would agree. So, go read and vote :)

Finally, enjoy the story! And reviewing never killed anyone, especially since this is my first STCW fic :)

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Split Screen Sadness

I get strange looks all the way up the steps to the Temple. I expect them, the way I ran out the doors, chasing after my now former-Padawan. News travels fast here in a place where every movement can be sensed, and a young girl walking dejectedly out of the Temple with her distraught master in tow had to put a huge dent in the Force. They all stop to turn their heads, some discreetly, some not, but all taking in the change that has occurred in my appearance over the last few moments; all previous energy and determination now deflated into despair and affliction.

I can feel their eyes, the pity and self-righteousness that flow from them. They are all disturbed by my behavior; a Jedi isn't supposed to be so emotional. But I can't help it. What else am I supposed to do when I have lost what feels like everything important in my life in a matter of seconds? The pain, my disappointment in myself feels like a kick to the stomach, making it hard for me to breathe.

I let her down. She trusted me, and I let her fall hard. The landing shook all her faith in what she was, in the people she used to care about; I could feel it in the abandonment in her eyes. Her distrust in me broke my heart.

I never thought I'd lose her, at least not like this.

We had been so close to the end before, with the Blue Shadow Virus and her getting stranded on the Trandoshan's hunting planet and so many other battles lost between the years. I had been so worried about losing her then, and for some reason those near-death experiences seemed more real than her actual departure. I never expected that she'd just get up and leave, especially because of something that I had done.

It's an interesting feeling, one that feels like irony mixed with the worst kind of regret, which runs through me now. I never wanted a Padawan. I fought with Obi Wan and the Council for days after I was assigned her; I thought she would be the bane of my newly found freedom as a Jedi. Now, after she had become so much a part of my life, I couldn't imagine my future without her. She was a permanent fixture, and I had a sinking feeling that it was going to be a long time before I could go on with anything without her.

I walk past the open Council Chamber doors, but I don't go in. I see the faces of the masters all looking at me, expecting me, but I don't acknowledge them. I just walk past them, eyes focused drearily ahead, and head onward.

I don't want to deal with them now. They'd only cause me more grief, and I don't want to hurt anyone else.

I turn left and keep moving down an empty hall until I reach the missions room. All I want to do is leave, go somewhere far away in the midst of a battle where I could lose myself and wouldn't have to remember Ahsoka Tano.

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I get strange looks all the way down the steps to the Temple. I expect them, but they don't make my decision hurt any less. If anything, the confused stares only worsen my growing regret and anxiety. They are full of confusion and pity; the Jedi I pass try to catch my attention, but I ignore them. They mustn't yet know what has come to pass. It'd be better if they didn't know at all.

I know in the morning all the masters will gather for a meeting and expect me there and I'll be gone. I know it will be a shock to some of the others; I know I am letting so many people down, but I couldn't stay and let myself down either. I couldn't stand to be so close to those who were so readily able to convict me, to cast me out like an unwanted pest.

I had lost my faith in them, and it could not be recovered. Not now.

Too many people have broken my heart.

Every step lower is a colder one, an emptier one. I feel as if I am losing myself with every move I make. My whole body is revolting, crying out to me, telling me to turn around, to go back home. Because really, who am I without the Jedi? I was too young to have a life before the Order, and now it is too late to start one. But I don't stop, not even in my doubt.

Because I know I am right.

But that knowledge isn't comforting. It just makes me feel more alone, sadder for those I am leaving behind. My heart weeps for my master, for my friends; I never wished to hurt them this way but I feel abandoned still.

There is no one around to save me, to stop me from making those final steps away from the Temple base. I know I can never return after passing over that threshold like this, but I don't stop moving.

The clones at the base try to hail me over, talk to me, but I brush by them. I can see Captain Rex coming for me, but I keep my focus set straight and tune him out. I know that if I talk to him, I will cave; if I talk to anyone, I will surely give in. So, with my last shreds of resolve, I step over the marble base and onto the plain, metal street, and I feel as if my whole universe has ended. The clones stop and stare, the Jedi up on the Temple hill marvel at the sight, but I take no notice to it.

All I notice is the enormous weight of the gaping, empty hole in my chest where my purpose used to be.

But I can't go back now. All I can do is brave ahead into the night and hold my head high. All I can hope for is that somewhere down the line, I can have a life outside the Jedi Order. All I can live for is the day when I can finally forget about this world and Anakin Skywalker's tormented face as I walked away for the very last time.


End file.
